a huge part of my teenage years has died, I'm unbelievably sad, i really wish i had my whole collection of cds and dvds right now seeing how hard it was for me to build it up. Rest in Peace Mike, the news is hard to swallow.

My relationship with my dad was getting better.

After weeks of mental torture and thinking I get back in touch with my mum who I've not talked to and hated for more than 2 years.

Me and my mum slowly begin to heal our wounds, it feels so freaking good not to feel like if I fall no one would be there to catch me anymore.

I tell my dad I got back in touch with her because he told me he was ok with it if it happened and because I don't want to be hiding anything from him, because communication is a key in relationships, whatever kind they are.

He freaks out on me, my mum is the devil, he shouts at me like I'm her everything he's got against her, on the other end of the phone I feel what I thought I'd never feel again, I'm caught in the middle, I feel like crying, he can't see it, he keeps screaming, I start screaming back, he doesn't like that, he says that if it's gonna be like that, he's gonna hang up on me, the tears start falling, he can't hear it, he can't hear anything,I don't say a word anymore, so he calms down, I'm hurt, and tired and fed up I say bye and put the phone down.

She tells to beware of what he may have told me about her, I don't care, I can think all by myself, I don't believe what he says about her just like I don't believe what she says about him. They were married, they had 3 kids, they divorced, it got ugly, it still is, they hate each other, I know they're both biased when it comes to talking about one another so I don't want to hear anything, they don't get it.

I feel like banging my head against a wall until I pass out and people stop being so obsessed about themselves to noticeI'm on the floor unconscious, hurt.

I try not to think about it too much, I run around Paris and the region Ile de France all day everyday without a single break even on saturdays, I hand in my CVs to anyone who'll take them, my feet hurt, I get crushed agasint windows in the metro, I'm cold it's raining, I stare at the floor on the Champs Elizées to forget all the rich toursits walking around me, having fun like I should I have been, like I dreamt I would after not having been the avenue for so long, it should have been me with my friends, with my family, with my parents, going on a crazy shopping spree, it should have been me smiling like a kid for once. It should have been them with no coat under the rain, with blisters getting bigger by the days, walking with their Cvs.

No, we're sorry; it's gonna be this time, that's what I keep hearing, from one job interview to the other, I live too far, they want me to work too late, I'm too shy, not enough this or that, I don't care, they don't know me, I don't want to know them, the weeks go by, still nothing, I'm losing hope, but keep running around town.

My phone keeps ringing, I've been back for a month and my friends have not seen me since the day I've been back, they're slightly worried, my brother asks when I'll be able to see him, I don't know, I'm not in my house, I need a job, because I need a flat, because to eat, because I need to pay for my tranports.

At the bank, at the national insurance bureau, at the job centre, they all want papers, I don't have them, she won't send them, I'm stuck, they all say I'm a "special" case, "too special" they don't know how to treat it, they don't see 19 years olds back with next to no papers from 2 years in England who left at 17 and who don't talk to their mum everyday, they tell me to sit and wait.

I don't want to sit and wait, I need a bank account, I need insurance if I'm sick because with the rainy days I spend outdoors with my cvs in my skirt and my tights I'm probably gonna get sick sometime soon and I need benefits to eat everyday.

I try to make time to see my friends, I see them, they make me forget for a few minutes that everything is going wrong, when it comes to saying bye bye, I feel like crying but I don't show a thing, that's something I've learnt to do very well while I was abroad, I'm scared I won't see them again beforehe next 2 years to come, I know it's stupid, but I've missed them so much, I don't want to leave them go home.

I go see my grandad at the "hospital" he's in, I don't recognize him, he's all thin, he looks pale, he can barely move or talk, I'm scared, I know it's too late, I'm not liking what I'm seeing, I feel kind of guilty for wanting to stop seeing it and run the fastest I can from this picture in my mind of this old man that I don't want to realise is my grandad.

Two days later, my phone rings, my mum, she sounds different than usual but familiar at the same time, she sounds like that day in 2006 whenshe told me her best friend had died, I know what she's going to say.

She said it, my grandad died, he was 80 in a few weeks I'm going to be 20, he was going to be 81, I remember when I was tiny, he made fly in the air, sang me songs, I miss him (I'm crying).

I keep running around town pretending I'm alright in front of everyone because I'm not allowe to not be right, life goes on.

They all think I don't care he left us, they think I'm not hurt, they stare at me like I'm a monster, they're wrong, I care, I'm hurt, but I won't show it, their fault from not knowing me well enough to know better.

I don't talk about it because I don't want to.

She doesn't talk to me either.
I don't know how to talk to her anymore.
I'm giving up.

I'm fed up
my current favourite song is commercial, I don't care, it's called "so what", she sings what I feel, don't care that she calls herself Pink and that she's not as cool as Nine Inch Nails or Nina Simone for my reputation, I'm allowed to like shit too, and yes I like Britney Spears, so what! The times when I used to hie my cds under my bed is gone.

I don't want to explain, I don't want to argue, I want people to stop making my life a pain. They deleted from their facebooks.

Childishness annoys me.

...again! and this is gonna be a loooooooong one!

So I just came back from the one and only week of holidays I've had since april 2006, and back to reality.

The reality is that I'm starting to wonder if things will ever go well for me, if my family will ever stop being such a pain, if people will ever stop criticizing others for things that they do too, if some day I'll ever be the one to give a job interview to someone else and not the one to be judged and to have to run around town with my cvs on a rainy day, and yet I am here, again, ranting about my flipping life...

... because all I want is for it to be better when it seems the whole world wants it to be absolutely shit, including people I thought I could count on who in the end didn't hesitate to behave like 3year olds and go backstabbing me at the first occasion they had because we'd had a silly argument, all I have to say about that is well done, you're such a grown up, oh how I love being lectured by you, because it is true that you are so damn mature, aren't you?

Selfishness is also one thing I'm hating more and more, I got a lot of bad stuff happening to me and being said about me when I left France in July 2006, I was being a bad daughter, I was being stupid, I was being a bad grand daughter, a bad friend, a bad everything, whatever I was I was being bad at it!

To myself I was something completely different, I was just a 17 year old kid who was taking a once in a lifetime opportunity to study something I'd always loved, to do something I'd always wanted, to give myself a chance to succeed in life and try to be a better person by learning what it is to live abroad and meet new people, but I guess I was the only person to think this way of me...

Now I'm back in France, wishing for a new life, a fresh start, and some people see it as she doesn't give a shit about me, she's leaving, she loves people in France more, blahblahblah
When did my life and my choices become more about others than myself?
Who told me about a million times to think about my happiness first because no one else will do it for me?

I don't like or dislike anyone more than anyone else, I've just not seen them for 2 years and some of them I've known since primary school, now get over it!

And as to why I was being so happy about my move back, all I have to say is that these might have been 2 years of meeting seome great people that I already miss like mad, and learning loads, but let's be honest for a second, on a personal level, these have been the 2 hardest years of my life, I've had more crap happening to me during these 2 than over the rest of my nearly 20 years of life!
And yes I love England and the rest of the UK, I love their culture, the English language and its many accents, I won't deny it, but I'm allowed to miss my country, it's not because others don't that it's forbidden for me to miss it.

Over the last 3 weeks I've been having moments of craziness over everything, from the cereals I ate when I was a kid to the yellow cars of the postmen, the warmth of the sand under my feet while at the beach, and even the little music from the train company played in the stations, I have never been able to appreciate things that much before, now it's just sad if people can't be happy for me, because I'm in serious need of being it and say what you want but I think it's only fair that It'd be my turn after the last two years I've lived.

Yet I'm not happy because I still have to run everywhere for a job, deal with lots of paperwork and find time to both deal with people's tantrums and see the friends I've missed so much when I am stuck at the bottom of the fraking ladder because even if I'm going from interview to interview I can't technically work because I need papers that someone is refusing to send me because for some reason they're playing dead instead of helping me when realy tomorrow I could be thrown out on the streets, but let's face it, it doesn't matter, does it? is it really that important? eh, who cares?!!

Yes I'm a pain, but so is everyone else in this world! Good Bye

(Who said I couldn't be sarcastic again?)

so it really hapenned, I'm not dreaming, I don't feel like I'm living my life on auto-pilote mode anymore, I am back home, I hugged my brother and my friends at the airport, we cried, we laughed, we spoke, we enjoyed every second of it.

Being back after 2 years and still having people there for me, is more than than I could have dreamt of.

I get way over exited about silly things for now (shouted "oh my god a bus!" at the first bus I saw through the airport's windows :S) but I think I never enjoyed being anywhere on Earth that much before. You don't know what you have til you don't anymore, and I'm so glad I've got it back!

Anyways, this wasn't the point of my journal, the point was just to let you know I am from now on until god knows when, computer free, so there is a big chznce I might not be online very often, so please don't feel offended if I'm not that luch in touch.

I wish you all the best and hopefully I'll have a computer again soon! Take Care and enjoy life as much as you can!

Hello everyone one, Ill make this one a short one as I really should be in bed right now considering the fact that I'm working tomorrow (yayy fun times!).

Okay, so, just wanted to let you guys know I'm quite likely to not be a lot on DA during the next few months as I'm finishing college on the 19th of June (so got to work hard til the end), and I've got lots of other things to do, and normally, if everything goes according to plan (here's the BIG news) I should be moving back to France in august (yayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!! ), which probably won't be an easy thing, but a great one that's for sure.
During the last few days I've come to realize the few friends I've got left in France actually love me a lot more than I thought (which is nice) and are willing to help me as much as they can to get me back by their side soon.
I sure will be missing Bristol at times even though sometimes I think living here kind of shucks, but we all have these days don't we!

Anyway, me's tired so bubye, take care and don't take it personaly if I'm not very often on here in the upcoming few months.

And last but not least, a big shout out to Radio Phone-In, [link] they're awesome (not saying that 'cos I know them but because it's true) and if you don't know of them yet, now is time that you do, they'll rock your socks off!

k, me's off to bed now, NOW!
Big hug to everyone